Can you critique this poem I wrote? Tear it apart?

you poke your head out of your crumbling sandcastle

to greet me,

or the fog dipped morning,

or the paper tossed on the mat that reads

"go away, unless you brought chocolate"

you bought at a cracker barrel

because you couldn't not.



i could see

your hands cupping your hanging-basket breasts

your hair tossed in a bun,

stray blond ribbons kissing your cheeks.

you waved a hello

i nod a **** you, you shat on my heart and we're casually ignoring all of our hostility to be polite even though i'm ashamed to admit calling you nastier names

than i even know i had stored in the crevices of my mind,

and i carry on my way because i've got a life to waste

and you have a snow globe to pose inside.Can you critique this poem I wrote? Tear it apart?
i really want to like it, but seriously it's a mess as it stands now

it seems like a very early first draft and probably requires lots of revision

big problems with "cracker barrel" and "****" and "shat" and some blatant grammatical mistakes. Every word has to be critical, and right now some, like the ones i mentioned, are like farts in a windowless room.
I know these people

you describe them pretty wellCan you critique this poem I wrote? Tear it apart?
I really liked this. I read it twice through to get the full meaning of the poem. I love the line starting with 'i nod a **** you'. That line was super powerful. The only thing i'm gonna say is that, shouldn't the layout go like this so it is easier to read:



you poke your head out of your crumbling sandcastle

to greet me,

or the fog dipped morning,

or the paper tossed on the mat that reads

"go away, unless you brought chocolate"

you bought at a cracker barrel

because you couldn't not.



I could see

your hands cupping your hanging-basket breasts

your hair tossed into a bun,

stray blond ribbons kissing your cheeks.

you waved a hello

i nod a **** you, you shat on my heart.

And we're casually ignoring all of our hostility to be polite

even though i'm ashamed to admit calling you nastier names

than i even know i had stored in the crevices of my mind,

and i carry on my way because i've got a life to waste

and you have a snow globe to pose inside.



I love the last line also :)



answer mine: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;…